Learn From People Who Lived it

LFPWLI Losing a Child to Suicide and Putting the Pieces Back Together

Putting the Pieces Back Together with Melissa Bottorff-Arey
In this episode, you'll hear:
How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children
On August 7, 2016, Melissa Bottorff-Arey became a "survivor mom" as her 21-year-old son Alex died by suicide. Alex had always been a high achiever, but the stress of college, a recent breakup, and life in general took their toll on him. He reached out to the school counseling center, but they were overloaded, so his visits were few and far between and not productive. Although Alex had many friends, he didn’t like to ‘burden’ anyone. He preferred to be the one helping others and often wouldn't reach out when he needed help himself. Alex spent his last summer at home with his family, where he and Melissa talked regularly, but there was no way she could have known how much he was keeping from her. The last time Melissa saw Alex, she could tell something was off but didn’t see any of the "telltale signs," and he had plans to return home just 8 days later. In the early days, Melissa wasn’t sure how she would be able to live, let alone find meaning or joy again. Her whole family was forever changed, yet somehow they all survived, and eventually, the hard work of picking up the leftover pieces began. With a lot of hard work, tools, and support, Melissa has learned to live alongside her grief and is now living out her mission of creating a community of support and healing for suicide loss survivors.
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Melissa discuss how to carry grief and pain at the same time, factors that lead to increased suicidal ideation, and the impact people around you have on your mental health. Dr. Frank outlines the costs and benefits of mental health medication, what suicidal ideation is, and when it switches to becoming suicidal. What would Melissa have done differently if she knew Alex had made that switch? She tells us what she has learned over the years about how to be a safe person to talk to, why parent guilt is unique, and how knowledge has helped her deal with it. There is a balance between modeling behavior and grieving authentically that she has had to manage with her other two children and has gotten to a place now where she understands the difference between trauma and grief. She says finding a community is the most important thing to do after a loss, and she is doing her part to create one through her organization, The Leftover Pieces.
"I know I will always be a work in progress, but now I also know I can live a good life, right alongside my grief."
In this episode, you'll hear:
How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Connect with the guest:
Melissa Bottorff-Arey Instagram
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
 
Resources:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
The Leftover Pieces
The Leftover Pieces Podcast; Suicide Loss Conversations
Melissa’s books 
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Guest Management Credits:
Sam Robertson

Grief Relief Event - Meet our Healers

I'm excited for you to hear this episode because we are putting on a very thoughtful retreat for those that are dealing with grief and wanting to create some space for themselves. Our first event is October 14th and here is the link to sign up today: RETREAT
Grief Relief Retreat
If you are at least three months from losing your loved one, our team of healers will guide you through 4 unique experiences to help you start or continue the healing process of losing your loved one. 
Breathwork and movement led by Teresa Porter, with over 23 years of experience
Licensed and certified massage therapist and yoga instructor
Emotional release practitioner 
Witness a transformative equine therapy session led by Rob Boyle
Proud Disabled Veteran with a Degree in Psychology, with a focus on research for Anxiety Disorders using horses with anxiety disorders.
A river ceremony to honor your loved one lead my Mathew Blades
Podcast host and mental wellness advocate
Licensed professional counselor Jill McMahon, on-site facilitator
A delicious catered meal and a campfire in nature
Leave with new tools, a new community, and a fresh perspective
 
Thank you for listening.
 
Mathew

Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis

Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Dave, and Caryn discuss how bullying at a young age can impact us as adults, the slow ramp-up of abuse, and the hurdles that must be overcome to escape and avoid abusive relationships. Dr. Dave talks about why kids bully, the roles fear and shame play in keeping people in bad situations, and the challenges of finding a therapist that fits your needs. Caryn opens up about why "just leaving" domestic abuse isn't as easy as it may seem, how she came to understand abuse is more than just physical violence, and how all of this impacted her son and her relationship with him. She ends the episode by sharing how she learned being alone was better than being in a dysfunctional relationship and giving her advice to the person listening who is still keeping their suffering a secret. Read more below.
 
In this episode, you'll hear:
How therapy and community helped Caryn escape and recover
Why did she stay and how did she leave?
What she thought people would say versus what really happened when she decided to leave
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Dr. David Leicken, MD
Maid on Netflix
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson
Caryn Lewis grew up with a loving family in Tempe, Arizona. Her parents were lifelong friends and college sweethearts. Typically, our parents' relationships model what ours might look like, but unfortunately, bullying and low self-esteem got in the way of that for Caryn. She started to have self-esteem issues in elementary school when she was made fun of for having glasses and being a smart girl. The bullying escalated in junior high, but she was afraid to tell her parents, thinking it would just make the issues worse. She never felt comfortable in her own skin, and that led to bad choices when it came to boys and, as she got older, men. She tells us she never worked through her issues with self-esteem, and she married the first guy that showered her with love and attention, thinking this was her only shot at happiness.
She had a son with her first husband before we cheated on her. This compounded her feelings of never being enough. After that relationship, she tells us she felt codependent and desperate for love. She fell back into the same pattern of going all in on the next man to come along. This was how her second marriage started. There were red flags, but she didn't want to be a two-time divorcee or a single parent. He verbally abused her and her son and put them in significant financial debt. Along the way, he made promises that he would change, saying that things would get better and that he was always sorry, but they never did. She thought, "I have to suck it up and make this work. He hasn’t hit me, so it must not be abuse." She was afraid of what people would think if they knew how bad it had become.
After about a year and a half, she reached her breaking point. She began to understand that she was being abused and found the courage to leave him. She tells us it was easier than she thought to finally take the leap. One day, Caryn reached out to her sister, and she showed up to help pack immediately. None of the things Caryn was afraid of happened. No one thought less of her. On the contrary, they were all proud of her. Her son was excited, and her parents were glad to take her in.
After she left him, the real healing began in her life. She got counseling and was able to address the insecurities that had kept her in the abusive relationship for so long. She reached out to non-profits and started reading books about loss, which helped her understand that she wasn't alone. She learned she needed to share what she had learned, so she started giving back and working with people who had suffered other traumas. She lived with her parents for several years, saved up to buy her own house, and through a period of discovery with trial and error, she learned how to be alone. She took years away from dating until she was confident that she could recognize and respond appropriately to red flags. Eventually, she met a good man, dated him for over 7 years, and now, at age 50, has been happily married for 4 wonderful years.
"If you never see the patterns, you never have the opportunity to change."

LFPWLI, From Disgust to Dignity: Letting Go of Self-Loathing

From Disgust to Dignity: Letting Go of Self-Loathing with Bob Fabey
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Bob discuss what the Dignity Gap is, how the industrial revolution and the pandemic widened the gap, and why communication is the key to closing the gap. Bob outlines Position vs. Interests, Intent vs. Impact, and the power of noticing, naming, and addressing emotions in being able to communicate effectively and treat all people with dignity.
 
TAP (thoughts, actions, and practices) is a shorthand to remember that negative thoughts quickly turn into actions and impact our daily practices, and having some set of rules to live by or a relationship to honor is helpful to give guidance through life, whether found through religion or not. Bob tells us about the two different kinds of disgust and how they impact relationships with our coworkers, our families, and ourselves. Finding dignity and pulling yourself out of self-loathing isn't always as easy as it seems it should be. Sometimes stepping into action before you feel like it is the act of courage needed to push through and make it to the other side.
Bob Fabey is the founder of Fabey Insights, a trainer, coach, and author of the newly released book, The Dignity Gap. He lives in Arizona and has two grown kids with his college sweetheart, Amy. Bob's father was a Special Operations Vietnam veteran who came from an abusive home. Bob's family didn't know what PTSD was, but they were dealing with it nonetheless. While Bob was navigating that home, he was also being bullied at school. He tells us this led to a hatred that became internalized and manifested in self-loathing and disgust. Bob has also suffered from migraines his whole life, and that became another thing that led him to believe something was wrong with him, compounding the feelings of helplessness and hate. To deal with this disgust, he drank and did anything else he thought might shut those feelings out, to no avail. It wasn't until college that he got serious about his faith and pursued a relationship with Christ. Bob talks about the difference between identity and behavior and how, through his journey into Christianity, his identity and sense of what is true changed. Today, Bob has been in ministry for nearly 30 years, earned his master's degree in divinity, and is passionate about helping everyone understand they do have value, no matter what.
"I have to handle my own business so I can be present for others."
In this episode, you'll hear:
The different ways disgust can manifest
What is "self-loathing"?
The moment of clarity when Bob stopped hating himself
The difference between identity and behavior
The impact of not treating each other with dignity on corporate America
How Bob helps people close the dignity gap
How Bob’s lessons transfer from our workplaces to our personal lives
How do you serve other people while still serving yourself?
How did 2020 shift our sense of autonomy, and what kind of impact has that had on society?
What does it mean to have value?
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Nate’s Breaks
Fabey Insights
The Dignity Gap
Connect with the Guests:
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
Bob Fabey Instagram
Bob Fabey Facebook
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson