Learn From People Who Lived it

LFPWLI, From Disgust to Dignity: Letting Go of Self-Loathing

From Disgust to Dignity: Letting Go of Self-Loathing with Bob Fabey
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Bob discuss what the Dignity Gap is, how the industrial revolution and the pandemic widened the gap, and why communication is the key to closing the gap. Bob outlines Position vs. Interests, Intent vs. Impact, and the power of noticing, naming, and addressing emotions in being able to communicate effectively and treat all people with dignity.
 
TAP (thoughts, actions, and practices) is a shorthand to remember that negative thoughts quickly turn into actions and impact our daily practices, and having some set of rules to live by or a relationship to honor is helpful to give guidance through life, whether found through religion or not. Bob tells us about the two different kinds of disgust and how they impact relationships with our coworkers, our families, and ourselves. Finding dignity and pulling yourself out of self-loathing isn't always as easy as it seems it should be. Sometimes stepping into action before you feel like it is the act of courage needed to push through and make it to the other side.
Bob Fabey is the founder of Fabey Insights, a trainer, coach, and author of the newly released book, The Dignity Gap. He lives in Arizona and has two grown kids with his college sweetheart, Amy. Bob's father was a Special Operations Vietnam veteran who came from an abusive home. Bob's family didn't know what PTSD was, but they were dealing with it nonetheless. While Bob was navigating that home, he was also being bullied at school. He tells us this led to a hatred that became internalized and manifested in self-loathing and disgust. Bob has also suffered from migraines his whole life, and that became another thing that led him to believe something was wrong with him, compounding the feelings of helplessness and hate. To deal with this disgust, he drank and did anything else he thought might shut those feelings out, to no avail. It wasn't until college that he got serious about his faith and pursued a relationship with Christ. Bob talks about the difference between identity and behavior and how, through his journey into Christianity, his identity and sense of what is true changed. Today, Bob has been in ministry for nearly 30 years, earned his master's degree in divinity, and is passionate about helping everyone understand they do have value, no matter what.
"I have to handle my own business so I can be present for others."
In this episode, you'll hear:
The different ways disgust can manifest
What is "self-loathing"?
The moment of clarity when Bob stopped hating himself
The difference between identity and behavior
The impact of not treating each other with dignity on corporate America
How Bob helps people close the dignity gap
How Bob’s lessons transfer from our workplaces to our personal lives
How do you serve other people while still serving yourself?
How did 2020 shift our sense of autonomy, and what kind of impact has that had on society?
What does it mean to have value?
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Nate’s Breaks
Fabey Insights
The Dignity Gap
Connect with the Guests:
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
Bob Fabey Instagram
Bob Fabey Facebook
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

From a Prison Sentence to a Promising Future with Michelle Cirocco

From a Prison Sentence to a Promising Future with Michelle Cirocco
This episode was recorded Live at the Durango Juvenile Detention Facility in Phoenix, Arizona. We have recorded episodes here in the past with Cordero Holmes and Drakkar Wright, but this is the first time we have had a female guest speak in front of 16 young women currently serving time in the Facility.
Michelle grew up in a small town in western New York but moved to Arizona when she was 9. When she got to the "big city", she felt like she didn't fit in, so she became obsessed with being accepted by the new people around her and making the money she felt she needed to move out of the economic class she grew up in. In 8th grade, at age 13, Michelle found acceptance with a "bad crowd" and was kicked out of school for the first time. By 9th grade, at age 15, she realized she could make the money she wanted by dealing the drugs she liked to do. That same year, she was arrested on 65 charges of selling cannabis and spent a week in Durango. She was released with a felony conviction, three years of probation, and a short-lived new outlook on life.
This sentence seemed to set her on the straight and narrow. She cleaned up her act, got off probation early, and enrolled in a modeling school to pursue her dreams. However, the harsh modeling industry was not welcoming to her, and after being rejected at her first audition, she felt like a failure with no options to make her dreams a reality. This rejection brought back her childhood fears of rejection and being unable to create a life that was more than the one she came from.
At 19, she and her boyfriend decided their best option was to start a family. After having two kids and several dead-end jobs, she decided she could do better. So she left him to go find it, but with no real plan, she quickly fell back into what she knew and began not only selling drugs but also running a meth lab out of her house. Michelle tells us "She was making good money until she wasn't". In 1996, her life changed forever when she was given the maximum 7-year prison sentence for her crimes. She had two young kids and had no idea what to expect, except that her life would never be the same.
In prison, Michelle's counselor gave her the wake-up call she needed. He told her she could wait out the sentence worrying about what the other women thought about her and trying to fit in, or she could use the time to better herself. It took her losing everything to finally feel empowered to make a change and figure out how to get it all back. Michelle ultimately served 5 years, 11 months, and 26 days. This year, she is celebrating 21 years of freedom. She says the first step in her journey to redemption was taking a hard look at her life and figuring out how she got where she was. After that, she went through a recovery program, got serious about her education, and has since dedicated her life to working with women in prisons across the country to help them turn their lives around.
Throughout this journey, Michelle realized that the issue wasn’t the people around her but rather the fact that she was more concerned with their opinion of her than how she viewed herself. She had no idea who she was, what she cared about, or where she wanted to be, so she didn't know what steps it would take to make it happen. This is why, when working with incarcerated women, she tells them that setting and meeting goals is the key to making real change. She encourages them to use visualization practices, like vision boards, to dream bigger than they have ever imagined before to determine what they want their lives to look like, then break down the steps it takes for them to get there.
Michelle does warn that when you decide to change your life, people around you can resist, push back, and challenge you because they get envious, insecure, or feel like they are losing you. Generational incarceration and familial rejection can make this even more difficult. Looking back, Michelle sees her prison sentence as the best thing that could have happened to her because it gave her the space to dig in, believe in herself, rebuild herself, and connect with the resources she needed. 
“If I could have anything, what would it be?”
 In this episode, you'll hear:
That we cannot let other people's opinions of us be what we believe ourselves to be. 
The power of self-respect, visualization, and taking control of your life. 
Why people around you may push back when you are ready to make a change
 
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Connect with the guest:
Michelle Cirocco on LinkedIn
 
Resources:
Televerde
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Guest Management Credits:
Sam Robertson
 

The Negative Impacts of Youth Sports and What to Do About It with Scott Lancaster

The Negative Impacts of Youth Sports and What to Do About It with Scott Lancaster 
 
Through this conversation, Mathew and Scott hope to help parents and coaches develop a renewed sense of how they might act when it comes to children in youth sports. Mathew, a former athlete and current youth sports coach for his own children, is intimately familiar with the negative impacts that bad coaching can have on children and is actively working to develop his athletes in this new, more holistic way Scott is championing. It’s imperative that coaches understand who they are coaching, what they can and cannot do, and keep expectations age-appropriate despite the desire to advance children quickly through the ranks.
Scott and Mathew talk about the role that bad coaching and parenting in youth sports have had on the current mental health crisis, the "inner child wounds" many kids develop through sports, and the ways in which negative and positive childhood sports experiences follow people through their entire lives and impact their self-image into adulthood.
Many people say youth sports were great for them or their children, but Scott ponders the counterfactual that we can never know how great they could have been if they had not played the game. Scott goes on to give specific examples of ways children are being damaged by youth sports and possible solutions to the problems. From small changes, like swapping "Did you win?" for "How did you play?", to larger structural changes like reframing the way we think about the purpose of youth sports. There is a close connection between how we coach youth sports and how we parent children, and both have to shift towards developing more resilient kids by teaching them how to deal with losing more than striving to win and talking to them about what they are feeling to help them internalize what they are doing.
Scott Lancaster is one of three co-founders of Whole Child Sports. WCS "offers parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness." As a former athlete and current parent, youth sports and youth athletes have been a passion of Scott’s for more than 20 years. He spent six years with US Soccer, working directly with Mia Hamm and other U.S. Women’s National Team players to increase representation and participation in the sport. He also spent 12 years with the NLF, developing youth programming. Throughout his career, Scott has worked with many of the Greats in professional sports to make significant and important changes in the philosophy of sports, the youth-to-professional pipeline, and the way sports operate in order to focus on improving youth development.
"Youth sports, as good as they've been for some, have been terrifying for others…"
In this episode, you'll hear:
Practical ways parents can shift to start raising healthier children through athletics
Tips for coaches to step into this new system of developing youth athletes
What it means that "kids should not play adult games" and ideas to restructure youth sports
What do action sports athletes get that traditional athletes miss out on?
How Scott deals with disciplining athletes who misbehave 
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Connect with the guest:
Bio
LinkedIn
 
Resources:
The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance by Timothy Gallwey
Whole Child Sports
Fair Play: Making Organized Sports a Great Experience for Your Kids by Scott Lancaster and Bill Walsh
Athletic Fitness for Kids by Scott Lancaster and Radu Teodorescu
Fair Play: Pro Football's Radical Program that's Successfully ChangingYouth Sports by Scott Lancaster
Additional books by Scott Lancaster
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Life After Sexual Abuse and Recognizing Your Wake-Up Call with Lucy Alvarez

"If I can't be good, I'll be the best and being bad."
In this episode, you'll hear:
What Lucy’s life was like after her sexual abuse
What her wake-up call was
How getting pregnant at 19 impacted her
In our first conversation with Lucy, we talked about childhood sexual abuse, the importance of setting boundaries, and understanding what is appropriate. In this episode, we discuss her life after she experienced sexual abuse as well as her resulting struggle with drugs and alcohol. It got to the point where she showed up drunk to school and eventually started buying and selling drugs. She tells us at this point, "I was abusing myself." However, after witnessing a graphic incident that happened to a friend of hers, she got the wake-up call she needed. Lucy also says getting pregnant at 19 saved her life because she had to get things in order and face the things she had been hiding from for so long. She and her daughter were able to grow up together. Now, Lucy is finally ready to date again, but she tells us she still can't seem to get it right. One thing she does know is to skip the dating apps, and through this conversation, Mathew may have provided her with a new way to try to connect with someone.
Lucy Alvarez is a first-generation American citizen and a native of Phoenix, Arizona. She is also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She tells us she doesn't feel like she is fully on the other side of her trauma, but that she is still working every day to walk in the right direction. Lucy has traveled the world, overcome so much in her life, and is now passionate about sharing her story to help others understand how to set boundaries and be the best version of themselves, even when it gets hard.
"If I can't be good, I'll be the best and being bad."
In this episode, you'll hear:
What Lucy’s life was like after her sexual abuse
What her wake-up call was
How getting pregnant at 19 impacted her
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Connect with the guest:
David Leicken, MD - http://ironwoodbehavioralhealth.com/index.html 
 
Resources:
Lucy’s first episode: Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse, Setting Boundaries, and Fixing Your Picker 
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson