Learn From People Who Lived it

Talking about Death with Children and Connective Compartmentalization with Caryn Kondo

Talking about Death with Children and Connective Compartmentalization with Caryn Kondo
 
In this episode, you'll hear:
Best practices to communicate about death with children
How Caryn dealt with the fears, pain, and desire for control leading up to her cancer diagnosis
What is connective compartmentalization?
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Caryn discuss how the death of her brother was explained to her when she was a child and how she dealt with it, why the language used to talk about death with children is so important, and how making the switch from caretaker to patient impacted Caryn and her family.
Caryn Kondo grew up in a grieving household. When she was about to turn 5, her younger brother drowned. Her parents did a great job of talking about what happened, but that kind of loss affects everyone in the family. As she grew older, she decided she wanted to help others who were grieving and became a clinical social worker and bereavement specialist. After a long and successful career, a few years into her retirement, Caryn was diagnosed with a rare cancer. After a month of unknowns, it was eventually identified as goblet cell carcinoma, a rare, aggressive subtype of appendix cancer. Caryn tells us she dealt with a lot of insecurity and fear around the unknowns when her doctors couldn't figure out what it was. The time between identifying there was an issue and actually receiving the diagnosis was a time full of pain and struggling to remain in control of the unknown. She was used to being the professional helping others grieve, but then she was in it, and things changed.
As a clinical social worker, "This isn't my story today" was her mantra to help her not take her work home with her. However, after her diagnosis, the challenge in front of her was her story, and she had to find new mental boundaries to help herself survive. Connective compartmentalization is the coping technique she developed. "Building fences, not walls" is how she describes this practice. This method, in addition to new mantras, mindfulness practices, and self-pep talks, got her through it.
"The word death is not a bad word. We can say it with kindness and love."
In this episode, you'll hear:
Best practices to communicate about death with children
How Caryn dealt with the fears, pain, and desire for control leading up to her cancer diagnosis
What is connective compartmentalization?
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
Jill McMahon’s Episodes: Understanding Suicide, Prevention, and Coping with Loss and The Brain Believes What You Tell It 
Grief Relief Retreat
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

The Intersection of Sobriety and Sexuality

The Intersection of Sobriety and Sexuality
Tawny Lara is an NYC-based writer, podcast host, and sober sexpert. Her writing has been featured in Playboy, Men’s Health, and the Huffington Post. Her most recent book, Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, is available now!
 
In this episode, you'll hear:
You don't have to reach rock bottom to decide to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol.
How did her environment have to change when she got sober?
What does it mean to "date yourself," and why is it an important step on the journey to sobriety?
Tawny tells us she was the stereotypical bartending party girl when she was living in her hometown of Waco, Texas. She didn't have a traditional rock bottom moment, instead, she felt like she was constantly living at rock bottom. She was binge drinking regularly, driving drunk, having unprotected sex, and entering into unhealthy relationships. Eventually, she realized something had to change, so she bought a one-way ticket to New York to get serious about her writing career. Your problems are going to move with you no matter where you go, but for Tawny, leaving the bartending scene in Texas allowed her to escape the patterns she was stuck in and become the writer she knew she could be. However, after she moved to New York, her partying decreased, but she was still drinking regularly. At 29 in 2015, she realized that alcohol was standing in the way of her being the best version of herself. She decided she would give up alcohol for her 30th year and start a blog about it. What started as a year-long social experiment to hold her accountable turned into 8 years without a drink and a thriving career showing others you can thrive in sobriety.
Alcohol abuse is often a symptom of a larger problem. For her, those larger problems were undiagnosed anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Once she quit drinking and started yoga, therapy, and developing healthy relationships, she was able to meet her real self, address the real issues, get on proper medications, and stop self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. After she removed the alcohol, she finally had to deal with the repercussions of her past actions. Tawny says "That is the work". The hard part is figuring out why you drink and how you can replace that with healthy coping mechanisms that you can use every day.
Tawny's first anniversary of sobriety, 2016, is the same year she met Lisa on Instagram. Tawny went to Lisa's book launch, and the rest is history. Together, they have been co-hosting the Recovery Rocks Podcast for the past 5 years. Recovery Rocks is part of Tawny’s passion to live sober out loud and show people that you can have fun, date, network, have great sex, and live a great life without alcohol.
Tawny's new book, Dry Humping, is about this intersection of sobriety and sexuality. When she gave up alcohol, she felt like she had no idea how to date, let alone have sex without drinking. Between the social stigma of sobriety being boring or the "liquid courage" we think we need to engage in social activities, she has had to do a lot of unlearning problematic tropes and figuring out who she is in a world that expects certain behaviors from her. Women are taught their role is to please others, and that leads to a lot of their dating and sexual activity being performative. Mathew and Tawny end on an interesting conversation about how porn and social expectations impact men and women in different and surprisingly similar ways. Tawny also talks about the impact alcohol and drug abuse have on the LGBTQ+ community, her bisexuality, and how sobriety changed her relationship with her own identity.
"When I got sober was really when I met me for the first time."
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why was Tawny drinking to excess?
Why did she feel like she needed to get sober?
You don't have to reach rock bottom to decide to reevaluate your relationship with alcohol.
What are some of the stigmas surrounding sobriety?
How did her environment have to change when she got sober?
What does it mean to "date yourself," and why is it an important step on the journey to sobriety?
Sigmas around sexuality for women and how porn impacts the way people think about sex
How alcohol impacts the LGBTQ+ community
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
SobrieTea Party
Angela Pugh’s Episode
Mathew’s Episode
Lisa Smith
Recovery Rocks Podcast
Weekly advice column, Beyond Liquid Courage
 
Connect with the Guest
Tawny Lara on Instagram 
Tawny Lara on Twitter 
Tawny Lara on Facebook 
Tawny Lara on LinkedIn 
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Advocating for Yourself Through a Cancer Diagnosis with Romy Wightman

Advocating for Yourself Through a Cancer Diagnosis with Romy Wightman
"I’m never going to get better in the environment in which I got sick."
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why did she keep her diagnosis private for so long, and what caused her to start sharing more?
Her advice to people with a new cancer diagnosis
The importance of being selfish and how it’s different from being self-absorbed 
 
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Romy discuss her 9-year journey with stage 4 colon cancer, the mind-body connection, how she had to advocate for herself, and her advice for anyone newly diagnosed. Romy tells us why she was so private about her diagnosis for so long, what she learned in therapy that changed her view on sharing her story, and how vulnerability and openness changed her life. We also learn how she dealt with three very different reactions from her three very different children, the role communication played in making sure everyone got what they needed, and the direct correlation between her cancer subsiding and her prioritizing her needs.
Mathew shares his personal connection to Romy’s story and how cancer has impacted people he loves. Dr. Frank gives us best practices for taking tough news, methods to start working on yourself when you realize that your actions are contributing to your mental and physical health, how we can learn skills we feel we don't innately have, and the role close friends play along the road of recovery.
Romy Wightman is a mother, a cancer survivor, and an advocate. She was originally diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer and told she would just need surgery to remove the tumor and then be done with it. However, right before that surgery, she had a PET scan that showed a concerning spot on her liver. After the surgery, she went for an MRI to investigate more, and that is when she found out she had stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to her liver and would cause her to need chemotherapy treatments. Romy says this is when she began to feel like a "real cancer patient". Her doctors wanted to start her chemotherapy right away, but she didn’t feel right about it and advocated for another scan to make sure there were no other cancerous spots. After a lot of pushback, she got the scan, and it showed that she was right. The cancer had spread. She was told there was no treatment. She would be on chemotherapy for the rest of her life, and that life wouldn't be long.
At that time, Romy had an 8th grader, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader, and she didn't feel like she was going to die. In fact, she felt completely normal despite being told that she had about a year to a year and a half to live. She says it took her about 48 hours to stop freaking out, then she quickly decided that for her kids, she would act as normal as possible, do whatever she could to not alter their lives, and start researching other treatment options. She found a support group and an experimental treatment that could potentially work. Eventually, she got connected with a surgeon at the University of California, San Diego, who would do it for her. After this experimental treatment, she had several recurrences and kept having surgeries to hold them off.
The first 2 years were survival, but at about the 3-year mark, she realized she was not happy, and it wasn't because of the cancer. It was because she didn't want to be married to her husband anymore, so she asked for a divorce. Her now-ex-husband wanted to pretend this wasn't going on, and Romy says the stress of cancer exposes and magnifies cracks that were there all along. The divorce was messy, but her kids were supportive, and once she made the choice, her cancer recurrences started getting further apart. She was in therapy at the time, and she noticed a connection between her mental state and her physical health. Romy always took good care of her body, eating healthy and exercising, but she was also stressed, resentful, and not taking time for herself. After her separation from her husband and prioritizing taking care of her mind as well as her body, she only had one more reoccurrence about 6 months later, and that was the last one. That recurrence was five years ago.
"I’m never going to get better in the environment in which I got sick."
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why did she keep her diagnosis private for so long, and what caused her to start sharing more?
Her advice to people with a new cancer diagnosis
The importance of being selfish and how it’s different from being self-absorbed 
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
Jill McMahon’s episode 
Romy’s non-profit, Wight Horse
Romy’s podcast, "To Be Continued"
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

LFPWLI Losing a Child to Suicide and Putting the Pieces Back Together

Putting the Pieces Back Together with Melissa Bottorff-Arey
In this episode, you'll hear:
How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children
On August 7, 2016, Melissa Bottorff-Arey became a "survivor mom" as her 21-year-old son Alex died by suicide. Alex had always been a high achiever, but the stress of college, a recent breakup, and life in general took their toll on him. He reached out to the school counseling center, but they were overloaded, so his visits were few and far between and not productive. Although Alex had many friends, he didn’t like to ‘burden’ anyone. He preferred to be the one helping others and often wouldn't reach out when he needed help himself. Alex spent his last summer at home with his family, where he and Melissa talked regularly, but there was no way she could have known how much he was keeping from her. The last time Melissa saw Alex, she could tell something was off but didn’t see any of the "telltale signs," and he had plans to return home just 8 days later. In the early days, Melissa wasn’t sure how she would be able to live, let alone find meaning or joy again. Her whole family was forever changed, yet somehow they all survived, and eventually, the hard work of picking up the leftover pieces began. With a lot of hard work, tools, and support, Melissa has learned to live alongside her grief and is now living out her mission of creating a community of support and healing for suicide loss survivors.
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Melissa discuss how to carry grief and pain at the same time, factors that lead to increased suicidal ideation, and the impact people around you have on your mental health. Dr. Frank outlines the costs and benefits of mental health medication, what suicidal ideation is, and when it switches to becoming suicidal. What would Melissa have done differently if she knew Alex had made that switch? She tells us what she has learned over the years about how to be a safe person to talk to, why parent guilt is unique, and how knowledge has helped her deal with it. There is a balance between modeling behavior and grieving authentically that she has had to manage with her other two children and has gotten to a place now where she understands the difference between trauma and grief. She says finding a community is the most important thing to do after a loss, and she is doing her part to create one through her organization, The Leftover Pieces.
"I know I will always be a work in progress, but now I also know I can live a good life, right alongside my grief."
In this episode, you'll hear:
How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Connect with the guest:
Melissa Bottorff-Arey Instagram
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
 
Resources:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
The Leftover Pieces
The Leftover Pieces Podcast; Suicide Loss Conversations
Melissa’s books 
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Guest Management Credits:
Sam Robertson