Learn From People Who Lived it

Advocating for Yourself Through a Cancer Diagnosis with Romy Wightman

Advocating for Yourself Through a Cancer Diagnosis with Romy Wightman
"I’m never going to get better in the environment in which I got sick."
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why did she keep her diagnosis private for so long, and what caused her to start sharing more?
Her advice to people with a new cancer diagnosis
The importance of being selfish and how it’s different from being self-absorbed 
 
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Romy discuss her 9-year journey with stage 4 colon cancer, the mind-body connection, how she had to advocate for herself, and her advice for anyone newly diagnosed. Romy tells us why she was so private about her diagnosis for so long, what she learned in therapy that changed her view on sharing her story, and how vulnerability and openness changed her life. We also learn how she dealt with three very different reactions from her three very different children, the role communication played in making sure everyone got what they needed, and the direct correlation between her cancer subsiding and her prioritizing her needs.
Mathew shares his personal connection to Romy’s story and how cancer has impacted people he loves. Dr. Frank gives us best practices for taking tough news, methods to start working on yourself when you realize that your actions are contributing to your mental and physical health, how we can learn skills we feel we don't innately have, and the role close friends play along the road of recovery.
Romy Wightman is a mother, a cancer survivor, and an advocate. She was originally diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer and told she would just need surgery to remove the tumor and then be done with it. However, right before that surgery, she had a PET scan that showed a concerning spot on her liver. After the surgery, she went for an MRI to investigate more, and that is when she found out she had stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to her liver and would cause her to need chemotherapy treatments. Romy says this is when she began to feel like a "real cancer patient". Her doctors wanted to start her chemotherapy right away, but she didn’t feel right about it and advocated for another scan to make sure there were no other cancerous spots. After a lot of pushback, she got the scan, and it showed that she was right. The cancer had spread. She was told there was no treatment. She would be on chemotherapy for the rest of her life, and that life wouldn't be long.
At that time, Romy had an 8th grader, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader, and she didn't feel like she was going to die. In fact, she felt completely normal despite being told that she had about a year to a year and a half to live. She says it took her about 48 hours to stop freaking out, then she quickly decided that for her kids, she would act as normal as possible, do whatever she could to not alter their lives, and start researching other treatment options. She found a support group and an experimental treatment that could potentially work. Eventually, she got connected with a surgeon at the University of California, San Diego, who would do it for her. After this experimental treatment, she had several recurrences and kept having surgeries to hold them off.
The first 2 years were survival, but at about the 3-year mark, she realized she was not happy, and it wasn't because of the cancer. It was because she didn't want to be married to her husband anymore, so she asked for a divorce. Her now-ex-husband wanted to pretend this wasn't going on, and Romy says the stress of cancer exposes and magnifies cracks that were there all along. The divorce was messy, but her kids were supportive, and once she made the choice, her cancer recurrences started getting further apart. She was in therapy at the time, and she noticed a connection between her mental state and her physical health. Romy always took good care of her body, eating healthy and exercising, but she was also stressed, resentful, and not taking time for herself. After her separation from her husband and prioritizing taking care of her mind as well as her body, she only had one more reoccurrence about 6 months later, and that was the last one. That recurrence was five years ago.
"I’m never going to get better in the environment in which I got sick."
In this episode, you'll hear:
Why did she keep her diagnosis private for so long, and what caused her to start sharing more?
Her advice to people with a new cancer diagnosis
The importance of being selfish and how it’s different from being self-absorbed 
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
Jill McMahon’s episode 
Romy’s non-profit, Wight Horse
Romy’s podcast, "To Be Continued"
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

LFPWLI Losing a Child to Suicide and Putting the Pieces Back Together

Putting the Pieces Back Together with Melissa Bottorff-Arey
In this episode, you'll hear:
How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children
On August 7, 2016, Melissa Bottorff-Arey became a "survivor mom" as her 21-year-old son Alex died by suicide. Alex had always been a high achiever, but the stress of college, a recent breakup, and life in general took their toll on him. He reached out to the school counseling center, but they were overloaded, so his visits were few and far between and not productive. Although Alex had many friends, he didn’t like to ‘burden’ anyone. He preferred to be the one helping others and often wouldn't reach out when he needed help himself. Alex spent his last summer at home with his family, where he and Melissa talked regularly, but there was no way she could have known how much he was keeping from her. The last time Melissa saw Alex, she could tell something was off but didn’t see any of the "telltale signs," and he had plans to return home just 8 days later. In the early days, Melissa wasn’t sure how she would be able to live, let alone find meaning or joy again. Her whole family was forever changed, yet somehow they all survived, and eventually, the hard work of picking up the leftover pieces began. With a lot of hard work, tools, and support, Melissa has learned to live alongside her grief and is now living out her mission of creating a community of support and healing for suicide loss survivors.
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Melissa discuss how to carry grief and pain at the same time, factors that lead to increased suicidal ideation, and the impact people around you have on your mental health. Dr. Frank outlines the costs and benefits of mental health medication, what suicidal ideation is, and when it switches to becoming suicidal. What would Melissa have done differently if she knew Alex had made that switch? She tells us what she has learned over the years about how to be a safe person to talk to, why parent guilt is unique, and how knowledge has helped her deal with it. There is a balance between modeling behavior and grieving authentically that she has had to manage with her other two children and has gotten to a place now where she understands the difference between trauma and grief. She says finding a community is the most important thing to do after a loss, and she is doing her part to create one through her organization, The Leftover Pieces.
"I know I will always be a work in progress, but now I also know I can live a good life, right alongside my grief."
In this episode, you'll hear:
How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Connect with the guest:
Melissa Bottorff-Arey Instagram
Dr. Frank Bevacqua
 
Resources:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
The Leftover Pieces
The Leftover Pieces Podcast; Suicide Loss Conversations
Melissa’s books 
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Guest Management Credits:
Sam Robertson

Grief Relief Event - Meet our Healers

I'm excited for you to hear this episode because we are putting on a very thoughtful retreat for those that are dealing with grief and wanting to create some space for themselves. Our first event is October 14th and here is the link to sign up today: RETREAT
Grief Relief Retreat
If you are at least three months from losing your loved one, our team of healers will guide you through 4 unique experiences to help you start or continue the healing process of losing your loved one. 
Breathwork and movement led by Teresa Porter, with over 23 years of experience
Licensed and certified massage therapist and yoga instructor
Emotional release practitioner 
Witness a transformative equine therapy session led by Rob Boyle
Proud Disabled Veteran with a Degree in Psychology, with a focus on research for Anxiety Disorders using horses with anxiety disorders.
A river ceremony to honor your loved one lead my Mathew Blades
Podcast host and mental wellness advocate
Licensed professional counselor Jill McMahon, on-site facilitator
A delicious catered meal and a campfire in nature
Leave with new tools, a new community, and a fresh perspective
 
Thank you for listening.
 
Mathew

Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis

Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis
In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Dave, and Caryn discuss how bullying at a young age can impact us as adults, the slow ramp-up of abuse, and the hurdles that must be overcome to escape and avoid abusive relationships. Dr. Dave talks about why kids bully, the roles fear and shame play in keeping people in bad situations, and the challenges of finding a therapist that fits your needs. Caryn opens up about why "just leaving" domestic abuse isn't as easy as it may seem, how she came to understand abuse is more than just physical violence, and how all of this impacted her son and her relationship with him. She ends the episode by sharing how she learned being alone was better than being in a dysfunctional relationship and giving her advice to the person listening who is still keeping their suffering a secret. Read more below.
 
In this episode, you'll hear:
How therapy and community helped Caryn escape and recover
Why did she stay and how did she leave?
What she thought people would say versus what really happened when she decided to leave
Follow the podcast: 
Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 
 
Resources:
Dr. David Leicken, MD
Maid on Netflix
 
Connect with Mathew Blades: 
Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/
 
Additional Credits:
LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson
Caryn Lewis grew up with a loving family in Tempe, Arizona. Her parents were lifelong friends and college sweethearts. Typically, our parents' relationships model what ours might look like, but unfortunately, bullying and low self-esteem got in the way of that for Caryn. She started to have self-esteem issues in elementary school when she was made fun of for having glasses and being a smart girl. The bullying escalated in junior high, but she was afraid to tell her parents, thinking it would just make the issues worse. She never felt comfortable in her own skin, and that led to bad choices when it came to boys and, as she got older, men. She tells us she never worked through her issues with self-esteem, and she married the first guy that showered her with love and attention, thinking this was her only shot at happiness.
She had a son with her first husband before we cheated on her. This compounded her feelings of never being enough. After that relationship, she tells us she felt codependent and desperate for love. She fell back into the same pattern of going all in on the next man to come along. This was how her second marriage started. There were red flags, but she didn't want to be a two-time divorcee or a single parent. He verbally abused her and her son and put them in significant financial debt. Along the way, he made promises that he would change, saying that things would get better and that he was always sorry, but they never did. She thought, "I have to suck it up and make this work. He hasn’t hit me, so it must not be abuse." She was afraid of what people would think if they knew how bad it had become.
After about a year and a half, she reached her breaking point. She began to understand that she was being abused and found the courage to leave him. She tells us it was easier than she thought to finally take the leap. One day, Caryn reached out to her sister, and she showed up to help pack immediately. None of the things Caryn was afraid of happened. No one thought less of her. On the contrary, they were all proud of her. Her son was excited, and her parents were glad to take her in.
After she left him, the real healing began in her life. She got counseling and was able to address the insecurities that had kept her in the abusive relationship for so long. She reached out to non-profits and started reading books about loss, which helped her understand that she wasn't alone. She learned she needed to share what she had learned, so she started giving back and working with people who had suffered other traumas. She lived with her parents for several years, saved up to buy her own house, and through a period of discovery with trial and error, she learned how to be alone. She took years away from dating until she was confident that she could recognize and respond appropriately to red flags. Eventually, she met a good man, dated him for over 7 years, and now, at age 50, has been happily married for 4 wonderful years.
"If you never see the patterns, you never have the opportunity to change."