Monday Sep 11, 2023

LFPWLI Losing a Child to Suicide and Putting the Pieces Back Together

Putting the Pieces Back Together with Melissa Bottorff-Arey

In this episode, you'll hear:

  • How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
  • What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
  • How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children

On August 7, 2016, Melissa Bottorff-Arey became a "survivor mom" as her 21-year-old son Alex died by suicide. Alex had always been a high achiever, but the stress of college, a recent breakup, and life in general took their toll on him. He reached out to the school counseling center, but they were overloaded, so his visits were few and far between and not productive. Although Alex had many friends, he didn’t like to ‘burden’ anyone. He preferred to be the one helping others and often wouldn't reach out when he needed help himself. Alex spent his last summer at home with his family, where he and Melissa talked regularly, but there was no way she could have known how much he was keeping from her. The last time Melissa saw Alex, she could tell something was off but didn’t see any of the "telltale signs," and he had plans to return home just 8 days later. In the early days, Melissa wasn’t sure how she would be able to live, let alone find meaning or joy again. Her whole family was forever changed, yet somehow they all survived, and eventually, the hard work of picking up the leftover pieces began. With a lot of hard work, tools, and support, Melissa has learned to live alongside her grief and is now living out her mission of creating a community of support and healing for suicide loss survivors.

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Melissa discuss how to carry grief and pain at the same time, factors that lead to increased suicidal ideation, and the impact people around you have on your mental health. Dr. Frank outlines the costs and benefits of mental health medication, what suicidal ideation is, and when it switches to becoming suicidal. What would Melissa have done differently if she knew Alex had made that switch? She tells us what she has learned over the years about how to be a safe person to talk to, why parent guilt is unique, and how knowledge has helped her deal with it. There is a balance between modeling behavior and grieving authentically that she has had to manage with her other two children and has gotten to a place now where she understands the difference between trauma and grief. She says finding a community is the most important thing to do after a loss, and she is doing her part to create one through her organization, The Leftover Pieces.

"I know I will always be a work in progress, but now I also know I can live a good life, right alongside my grief."

In this episode, you'll hear:

  • How Melissa was able to make peace with the guilt she had over the incident
  • What she would have done differently and what it looks like to be a "safe person"
  • How she handled Alex’s death with her other two children

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