Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis

Escaping Verbal Abuse and Rebuilding Self-Esteem with Caryn Lewis

In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Dave, and Caryn discuss how bullying at a young age can impact us as adults, the slow ramp-up of abuse, and the hurdles that must be overcome to escape and avoid abusive relationships. Dr. Dave talks about why kids bully, the roles fear and shame play in keeping people in bad situations, and the challenges of finding a therapist that fits your needs. Caryn opens up about why "just leaving" domestic abuse isn't as easy as it may seem, how she came to understand abuse is more than just physical violence, and how all of this impacted her son and her relationship with him. She ends the episode by sharing how she learned being alone was better than being in a dysfunctional relationship and giving her advice to the person listening who is still keeping their suffering a secret. Read more below.

 

In this episode, you'll hear:

• How therapy and community helped Caryn escape and recover
• Why did she stay and how did she leave?
• What she thought people would say versus what really happened when she decided to leave

Follow the podcast: 

• Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h) 
• Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM) 
• Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE) 

 

Resources:

• Dr. David Leicken, MD
• Maid on Netflix

 

Connect with Mathew Blades: 

• Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades
• Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/ 
• Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/ 
• Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/

 

Additional Credits:

• LFPWLI is managed by Sam Robertson

Caryn Lewis grew up with a loving family in Tempe, Arizona. Her parents were lifelong friends and college sweethearts. Typically, our parents' relationships model what ours might look like, but unfortunately, bullying and low self-esteem got in the way of that for Caryn. She started to have self-esteem issues in elementary school when she was made fun of for having glasses and being a smart girl. The bullying escalated in junior high, but she was afraid to tell her parents, thinking it would just make the issues worse. She never felt comfortable in her own skin, and that led to bad choices when it came to boys and, as she got older, men. She tells us she never worked through her issues with self-esteem, and she married the first guy that showered her with love and attention, thinking this was her only shot at happiness.

She had a son with her first husband before we cheated on her. This compounded her feelings of never being enough. After that relationship, she tells us she felt codependent and desperate for love. She fell back into the same pattern of going all in on the next man to come along. This was how her second marriage started. There were red flags, but she didn't want to be a two-time divorcee or a single parent. He verbally abused her and her son and put them in significant financial debt. Along the way, he made promises that he would change, saying that things would get better and that he was always sorry, but they never did. She thought, "I have to suck it up and make this work. He hasn’t hit me, so it must not be abuse." She was afraid of what people would think if they knew how bad it had become.

After about a year and a half, she reached her breaking point. She began to understand that she was being abused and found the courage to leave him. She tells us it was easier than she thought to finally take the leap. One day, Caryn reached out to her sister, and she showed up to help pack immediately. None of the things Caryn was afraid of happened. No one thought less of her. On the contrary, they were all proud of her. Her son was excited, and her parents were glad to take her in.

After she left him, the real healing began in her life. She got counseling and was able to address the insecurities that had kept her in the abusive relationship for so long. She reached out to non-profits and started reading books about loss, which helped her understand that she wasn't alone. She learned she needed to share what she had learned, so she started giving back and working with people who had suffered other traumas. She lived with her parents for several years, saved up to buy her own house, and through a period of discovery with trial and error, she learned how to be alone. She took years away from dating until she was confident that she could recognize and respond appropriately to red flags. Eventually, she met a good man, dated him for over 7 years, and now, at age 50, has been happily married for 4 wonderful years.

"If you never see the patterns, you never have the opportunity to change."